Affairs Seem To Be Common These Days, But WHY Do They Happen?
Affairs have been around since biblical times, and to this day are still happening. The odd thing however, is that they’re becoming something of a common nature.
While discussing her discussing her hot new best-seller about middle age In Your Prime: Older, Wiser, Happier, on Women’s Hour recently, India Knight stirred up some heat, when she said: “I don’t have as much as a downer on affairs as lots of people do.” India Knight argued that hurtful and horrible as they are, if you have created a life together with someone, and you decide to throw away all those years into the trash can over a brief stupid indiscretion, wouldn’t it be a tragic waste of your life?
Bridget Harrison from the Huffington Post interviewed Janet Reibstein, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of Exeter and psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum, who is clinical director of the internationally renowned counselling centre The Chestnut Hill Institute. Here is what they found.
Most affairs are rarely about sexual lust and the desire to get in someone else’s pants. Rather, they are far more often about people’s inability to negotiate the relationship they are in.
“People usually have affairs to cope with a marriage rather than end it,” says Janet Reibstein. “They feel disappointed by a marriage and have become estranged from the person they wanted to love and honor.”
As a society, we put massive expectations on modern relationships. This is really absurd because how are we going to put a single standard on every marriage out there, when each and every one of us is different?
Problems have their origin when couples fail to manage their disagreements.
“If couples don’t catch things early, they start to feel misunderstood, neglected and unloved. Drift then sets in, and with it goes hope and effort. And finally couples will look outside the home for ways to cope,” warns Reibstein who has been a therapist for 30 years.“Why people have affairs points directly to the problems they are having in their marriages,” agrees Mira Kirshenbaum. “Affairs are rarely about making an exit but an attempt to deal with a desperate situation.”
According to these experts these are what cause affairs to happen:
1. As a couple, the fun just isn’t there anymore.
When life gets busy with career, children, bills, time to enjoy yourself as a couple is suddenly bottom of the list. You go to work separately where you engage in separate worlds with people your partner barely knows. You would think you would spend more time with your partner once you get home but your primary focus is looking after the kids. Weekends are all about who can take turns watching the kids, there is little chance to be reminded of all the traits that attracted you to each other. You are often too tired for sex. Then when temptation comes along and you get the chance to engage, that idea that you are an unbreakable unit is no longer there. That’s when you feel like there’s nothing much to lose.
2. You’ve become strangers living under one roof.
You become mentally disengaged. You’ve stop sharing your inner-most thoughts and feelings with each other, stopped tuning into each other. You eventually start to feel that you are just two strangers living together. You feel lonely in the very place you know you should feel most loved and secure and the only way you’ll get each others attention is by bickering and fighting and nagging at one another.
3. Nothing seems to resolve your guys’ conflicts.
One of the biggest no no’s that both of you can do is beat around the bush. You try to cut corners and avoid talking about the things that makes you both so very angry. Soon you have an entire bank of anger that has been bottling up inside, and start to blame your partner for everything goes wrong in your life. How can this be enjoyable to anyone? As a result you can’t help but be drawn towards other people who are willing to listen to you and it is easy to feel convinced that they understand you better than your own partner does.
“Many people report that the greatest pleasure in an affair is finding someone whose arms are wide open to all the parts of you that your spouse seems to reject,” says Kirshenbaum
4. You want to feel alive again
You feel bored, your relationship is not giving you what you want. So you start looking for ways to feel excited and renewed. And this is good but the mind often wanders off into the realm of naughtiness. An affair is exhilaration, its passionate its everything that you are NOT supposed to do. The struggle to meet in secret. The efforts to keep it all hidden. The jeopardy. The wild hopes. All this makes an affair intoxicating compared to the routine of a marriage where sex has become extremely predictable.
5. You can’t help but wonder if someone else out there would be a better fit for you.
A marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, right? That’s the goal of marriage. But if you are feeling unappreciated and misunderstood you are more likely to start wondering who else is out there, Although you won’t know until you try it, you may find that affair sex isn’t as satisfying sexually as the sex is within a long-term relationship, where you know each other well and have learned how to please each other. The only reason relationship sex becomes passion-less and boring is because both of you have fallen into a boring old predictable patter. Switch it up!
Source: Huffington Post